Some of these are pretty funny, and ive never liked emo
i always thought it was some dumb boring pseudo-punk music but really its
a guy talking funny stuff.

> >"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess'
> on it. I said, 'Thyroid
> >problem?'"
> >- Emo Philips

And on that note, some more of Emo's wisdom:

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a
skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh,
yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very
well."

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I went to Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said, "Give me a bladder
por favor." The guy said, "Is that to go?" I said, "Well, what else woudl I
want it for?"

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

I've learned about women the hard way: through books.

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.

Emo in court: Judge, "Emo?"
Emo, "Yes."
Judge, "Emo Phillips?"
Emo, "Yes."
Judge, "You're Emo Philips."
Emo, "Well why don't you just keep adding a word until your brain explodes!"


I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to
change the radio, and just as I get the old one taken out I hear this
traffic cop behind me, "Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo" .... well, I shouldn't
make fun of his speech impediment... He asks me to walk in a straight line,
so I do, then he asks me "You call that a straight line?". Well, I should
have said, I SHOULD have said.... "yes". But I was nervous and the only
thing I could think of was "Well Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever
come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own
brain-wave."

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
straps.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that
first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it
fifteen feet.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn
anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to
get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the
Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only
using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said,
"Get off me, you two!"

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the
first time we ever had a democrat in the family."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why
shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said,
"Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said,
"Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said,
"Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said,
"Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are
you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of
God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you
Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist
Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of
God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him
off. -- Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but
fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I
realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole
one and asked him to forgive me.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that
moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't
have an alibi.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she
was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by
French soldiers.

Oh, yes...I've tried my hand at sex.

> SOG,  SOF,  DELTA FORCE,  CONSTITUTION,  BILL OF
> RIGHTS,  WHITEWATER, 
> POM,  PARK ON METER,  ARKANSIDE,  IRAN,  CONTRAS, 
> OLIVER NORTH, 
> VINCE FOSTER,  PROMIS,  MOSSAD,  NASA,  MI5,  ONI, 
> CID,  AK47,  M16, 
> C4,  MALCOLM X,  REVOLUTION,  CHEROKEE,  HILLARY, 
> BILL CLINTON, 
> GORE,  GEORGE BUSH,  WACKENHUT,  TERRORIST,  TASK
> FORCE 160,  SPECIAL 
> OPS,  12TH GROUP,  5TH GROUP,  SF,  RAHOWA ,  14/88,
>  ANDY GRIFFITH, 
> OPIE,  BARNEY,  AUNT BEA,  UNABOMBER,  ANTHRAX, 
> FISSIONABLE, 
> PLUTONIUM,  NORTH  KOREA,  MILITIA,  DELTA FORCE, 
> RUBY RIDGE,  THE 
> PRESIDENT,  JATI,  SKORPION VZ61 MACHINE PISTOL, 
> C-4,  RDX,  LAW, 
> M-60,  M-203 GRENADE LAUNCHER,  HK-MP5SD,  UZI, 
> BIOLOGICAL AGENTS, 
> AMFO,  VX,  ARMALITE AR-180,  M16-A1,  M-16A2, 
> BARETTA MODEL 12 SMG, 
> STEN SMG,  BROWNING HP,  MAKAROV,  P-38,  RGD-5, 
> SAM 7,  STRELA, 
> RPG-7,  HMTD,  PICRIC ACID,  TACC,  MERCURY
> FULMINATE,  SODIUM 
> CHLORATE,  LEAD PICARATE,  SILVER NITRATE,  DDNP, 
> LEAD AZIDE,  TNT, 
> TETRYL,  AMATOL,  PETN,  AMONIUM NITRATE,  AIR FORCE
> ONE,  THE 
> FOOTBALL,  NSC,  NSA,  CIA,  FBI,  DEA,  ATF,  USCG,
>  USMC,  USA, 
> USN,  USS NIMITZ,  USS JOHN F. KENNEDY,  BATFISH, 
> COLT,  AR-15,  AIR 
> FORCE TWO,  M1A,  BARRETT .50 CAL,  AP,  API, 
> PATRIOT,  STINGER, 
> M1A ABRAMS,  T-72,  T-80,  BMP,  BTR-60,  FALN, 
> JDL,  PLO,  UDA, 
> RAF,  NAR,  PFLP,  ALN,  SLA,  OSAMA BIN LAUDIN, 
> ANDREAS BAADER, 
> CARLOS,  PROMISE,  M2A1,  BAR M1918-A2,  M4, 
> FN-FNC,  FN-FAL,  L1A1, 
> HK-G3A3,  DPM,  RPK,  FLASH BANG,  CS,  CN,  AK-47, 
> AK-74,  AKR, 
> AKS,  RPD,  BROWNING M1919A4,  VICKERS,  MAXIM, 
> SWD,  INGRAM MAC-10, 
> SUPRESS-ON,  BREN-L4A1,  ARMALITE AR-10,  AR-18, 
> STONER-25,  M-14, 
> GALIL ARM,  WALTHER WA 2000, SNIPER RIFLE, 
> REMINGTON 700,  INA 953. 
> STYER MPI-81,  STYER AUG,  STYER SCOUT,  HACKING, 
> HACKER,  BLUE BOX, 
> RED BOX,  EXPLOSIVE, TETRANITROTOLUENE, 
> NITROCELULOSE,  BLASTING 
> CAPS,  ADL,  MORRIS DEES,  AL GORE,  TIPPER, 
> HILLARY,  CHELSEA, 
> LOUIS FREEH,  JANET RENO,  MADELINE ALBRIGHT, 
> WILLIAM COHEN,  IRS, 
> BATF,  DOD,  WACO,  RUBY RIDGE,  OKC,  CKLAHOMA
> CITY,  MILITIA,  GUN, 
> HANDGUN,  MILGOV,  ASSAULT RIFLE,  TERRORISM,  BOMB,
>  DRUG, 
> HORIUCHI,  KORESH,  DAVIDIAN,  GORDON KAHL,  POSSE
> COMITATUS ACT, 
> SPECIAL FORCES,  LINDA THOMPSON,  SPECIAL OPERATIONS
> GROUP,  SOG, 
> SOF,  DELTA FORCE,  CONSTITUTION,  BILL OF RIGHTS, 
> WHITEWATER,  POM 
> PARK ON  METER,  ARKANSIDE,  IRAN CONTRAS,  OLIVER
> NORTH,  VINCE 
> FOSTER,  PROMIS,  MOSSAD,  NASA,  MI5,  ONI,  CID, 
> AK47,  M16,  C4, 
> MALCOLM X,  REVOLUTION,  CHEROKEE,  HILLARY,  BILL
> CLINTON,  GORE, 
> GEORGE BUSH,  WACKENHUT,  TERRORIST,  TASK FORCE
> 160,  SPECIAL OPS, 
> 12TH GROUP,  5TH GROUP,  7TH SPECIAL FORCES GROUP, 
> 20TH SFG, 
> FACTION 3,  5TH COLUMN,  JTF,  JTF-6,  ALPHA GROUP, 
> MACV,  SOCOM, 
> ANTHRAX,  MARBURG VIRUS,  HEMORAGIC FEVER,  EBOLA, 
> POTASIUM CYANIDE, 
> NEUTRON WEAPONS,  PHASED PULSE PLASMA,  HAARP, 
> TRAAC,  TOMAHAWK, 
> TEAMS,  JFKSWC,  FT. BRAGG,  82ND AIRBORNE,  101ST
> AIRBORNE,  FT. 
> BENNING,  RANGERS,  SEALS,  LITTLE CREEK,  RED CELL,
>  TACC,  PLA, 
> POLONIA LIBERATION ARMY,  C-OD,  CRAZED ORDER OF
> DRUIDS,  SNIFFER, 
> PAVE-LO,  MAC IS BETTER!